Happy Birthday, Ilex the Elder(ly)
by Ilex the Elder
Summary: Birthdays get less fun the older you get, so the cast of Pokemon helps Ilex celebrate hers.


**HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ILEX THE ELDER(LY)**

It's a beautiful Saturday morning. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the day holds promise of being a warm one. Ilex hops out of bed, eager to start the day. Then she glances at the calendar and realizes what day it is. Her smile fades. 

Ilex: [Groans] Oh no. 

Ilex climbs back into bed, pulls the blankets over her head, and shuts her eyes tightly, hoping that perhaps she'll be able to forget what today is. A few minutes later, Ilex opens her eyes and finds herself lying on a couch in a high-ceilinged room. The room is filled with machines and instruments – it appears to be a laboratory of some sort. 

Ilex: There's something familiar about this place, but I just can't put my finger on…

Oak: Oh good, you're up.  Would you like some tea?

Startled, Ilex whirls around and finds herself face-to-face with none other than Professor Oak himself. Too shocked for words, Ilex stares at him in disbelief for a few seconds. 

Ilex: This is the last time I play ten rounds of Pokémon Snap before going to bed.

Oak: Huh?

Ilex: Never mind. [Gets up from the couch and rubs her eyes] This has got to be a dream. 

Oak: You're looking a bit pale. Are you sure I can't interest you in a cup of tea?

Ilex: [Blinks] You're still here.

Oak: Well, of course I'm still here. This is my lab, after all. But I'd like to know who you are and what you're doing here.

Ilex: [Muttering to herself] That does it. The kids have way too much Pokémon stuff. Now **I'm starting to dream about Pokémon.**

Oak: [Gives her an odd look] Are you sure you're feeling all right?

Ilex: I think I'll take you up on that cup of tea, Professor. 

Ilex follows Professor Oak into his kitchen. She sits down at the kitchen table and he hands her a cup of tea. He pours himself a cup of tea and joins her at the table.

Oak: You still haven't told me what your name is or why you're here.

Ilex: All right, my pen name is Ilex and…

Oak: Ilex? Did you say your name was Ilex?

Ilex: Yeah, but my real name is…

Oak: [Jumps up from the table and eagerly shakes her hand] You can't believe what an honor this is for me! To finally meet the woman who gave me a love life! [Looks around hopefully] Where's the rest of the Eldershipping Brigade? I'd like to thank them, too!

Ilex: Uh, I didn't bring them with me today. 

Oak: [Looks a bit disappointed] Well, no matter. You can give them my thanks. [Sits back down at the table and grins broadly at Ilex] I never thought I'd actually get to meet you in person.

Ilex: [Stares at Oak] Same here.

Oak: I've just got to ask you – why?

Ilex: Why?

Oak: Yes, why did you become an Eldershipper? What made you want to write all those stories about me and Delia?

Ilex: [Shrugs] Dunno. My kids are Pokémon fanatics, so I guess it kind of rubbed off on me. Not to mention that after you've seen the same episode fifty times, you start imagining ways to "improve" on it. Being an adult myself, I was naturally more interested in what the adult characters were doing. And it seemed to me like the adult characters didn't get a lot of air time.

Oak: That's true. Before you and the rest of the Eldershipping Brigade came along, I was pretty much relegated to being a senile, decrepit old man who didn't have more than a couple of lines in most of the fics that were out there. Then you and the Eldershipping Brigade came along and did wonders for my love life! Though I'm still curious as to why you'd choose to write about me and not about Ash and Misty or Jessie and James. After all, they're so much younger and better looking.

Ilex: I do write about them sometimes. It's just that there are so many stories about them out there already that it's hard to come up with something original. 

Oak: Yes, you don't see many Eldershipper lemons out there, do you? By the way, thank you for "Bathtime". It did wonders for my reputation. [Winks]

Ilex: One of the reasons why I wrote that particular story was because I thought that it was unfair and frankly, unrealistic, to assume that just because someone is over the age of thirty that they're senile, boring, and have no sex life. 

Oak: And you would know all about that, wouldn't you? Happy birthday, by the way.

Ilex: [Chokes on her tea] Wha….who told you? 

Oak: Oh, come on. You of all people should know that since I have a Ph.D., I can't be as stupid as some people think I am. You're one of the few people that acknowledge that I have some intelligence. 

Ilex: [Grabs a paper towel and cleans up the tea she just spit all over the kitchen table] Yeah, but I still don't understand how you…

Oak: [Grins slyly] It was posted on the Eldershipper message board. And if I may say so, you have aged well for a woman who's turning thirty…

Ilex: [Slaps hand over Oak's mouth] Don't say it! 

Oak: [Removes Ilex's hand] Why not? You don't have any gray hairs that I can see and hardly any wrinkles at all. If I weren't involved with Delia, I'd definitely ask you out. I do have a weakness for redheads, you know.

Ilex: Thanks, but I'm married. 

Oak: I don't understand. Why are you so upset about turning thirty- [Ilex gives him a "don't go there" look] Okay, let me rephrase that…why are you so upset about having a birthday today?

Ilex: Because now I'm no longer considered a "young" adult. Demographically, I'm now lumped in with people…

Oak: People my age, you mean?

Ilex: [Nods] I can't be middle-aged! I'm too young to be old! It seems like just yesterday I was turning twenty-one and now I'm…well, you know. And it seems like the birthdays keep coming faster and faster each year.

Oak: That's because each year makes up a smaller and smaller percentage of your life. The longer you live, the faster and faster birthdays seem to come.

Ilex: You're not helping.

Oak: Oh, don't be so upset! Age is just a number, you know. You're only as old as you feel. And besides, didn't you say in "'Til Death Do Us Part" that with age comes experience?

Ilex: Yeah, I guess I did.

Oak: You have a master's degree, went to vet school, and you work full-time, not to mention that you're also a wife and a mother. You have a better understanding of the perspective of the adult characters because you've experienced the same things yourself. 

Ilex: I suppose so. But I still cringe every time someone calls me "ma'am". It makes me feel like I'm ancient.

Oak: There are worse things than being called "ma'am", you know. 

Ilex: Like what?

Oak: Geezer, decrepit, fossil, dinosaur, old fart…

Ilex: Okay, okay. You've made your point.

The doorbell rings.

Oak: I'd better get that before Muk does. Be back in a moment.  

Oak gets up and leaves to go answer the door, leaving Ilex with her tea.

Ilex: [Sipping her tea] Even if this is a dream, the tea does taste pretty good.

Oak returns with Delia.

Delia: Samuel, why is there a strange woman sitting in your kitchen?

Oak: This isn't any woman, Delia. This is Ilex. _The Ilex._

Delia: Really? [Shouting] Everyone, come here!

Ash, Pikachu, Tracey, Misty, and Brock enter.

Delia: [Excitedly] Look, everyone! Ilex is here.

Ash: [Scowling] I still haven't forgiven you for what you did to Pikachu in that Ketchupshipping story of yours! 

Pikachu: Pi-ka-chuuuuuu!!!! (Translation: Neither have I!)

Pikachu hits Ilex with a Thunderbolt attack.

Ilex: Yahhhh!!!!

Tracey: Yeah, and my butt still has the teeth marks on it from where Snorlax bit me! 

Misty: Oh, stop being such crybabies, you two! I like Ilex's fics.

Ash: Yeah, because she didn't make you ice-skate into a tree and nearly break your nose or fall into a thorn bush!

Oak: Oh, that's right. I never did give you that tetanus shot, did I? Wait here for a second and I'll…

Tracey: Run, Ash! He's gone needle-happy again!

Ash grabs Pikachu and runs out the door. Tracey is right behind them.

Misty: Oh, don't listen to them, Ilex. Someday when I'm _really old, I want to be just like you._

Ilex: [Sighing] Go away, Misty.

Brock: Never mind her, Ilex. [Takes Ilex's hand] I'm always interested in older women.

Ilex: [Brightening] Really?

Brock: Sure. So when you write your next fic, could you pair me up with Officer Jenny or Nurse Joy?

Ilex's smile fades.

Brock: Or both. It doesn't matter to me which one. I think they're both gorgeous.

Ilex: So you want to be paired up with an older woman, huh? 

Brock nods eagerly.

Ilex: Well then, how about Professor Ivy?

Brock: [Cringes in terror] T-t-t-t-that name….

Brock retreats into a fetal position on the floor. Misty picks him up and drags him out of the room while Ilex sulks.

Delia: [Aside to Oak] What's Ilex so upset about?

Oak: [Aside to Delia] She's having a birthday today.

Delia: Oh, I didn't know today was your birthday, Ilex. I'm going to go home right now and bake you a cake. And I'll be sure to put lots of candles on it!

Ilex groans and slumps on the kitchen table as Delia leaves. 

Oak: When Delia said "lots" of candles, I'm sure she didn't mean…

Ilex: Never mind. 

Oak: You know, the one thing I can't understand is that why you, who have done so much to promote the fact that older people can be just as smart, sexy, and interesting as the younger set, are getting so down over growing older yourself.

Ilex: I guess I never really thought about it that way.

Oak: Remember, you're only as old as you feel, Ilex. You should know that better than anyone. [Glances at watch] Oops, I didn't realize it was so late. I have to go tend to the Pokémon. You can stay here for a while and finish your tea if you like. 

Ilex: Thanks.

Oak: No. Thank you. And tell the rest of the Eldershipping Brigade to keep writing. I can't wait to see what they'll come up with next!

After Oak leaves, Ilex sits at the table calmly finishing the rest of her tea when Meowth sneaks in via a nearby window and grabs Ilex by the throat.

Meowth: Hey, guys! I got her! [Starts pummeling Ilex] This is for making me fall off the roof in that Christmas story of yours!

While Meowth throttles Ilex, Jessie and James watch from outside the window.

Jessie: Give her one for me for splattering me with that wheelbarrow of Tauros manure in "Drat That Dratini"!

James: And give her one for me for nearly drowning me then sending that crazy professor after me with his rubber gloves! [Shudders] I'm still having nightmares about that one.

Meowth: [Starts strangling Ilex] And this is for sending Lt. Surge's horny Raichu after me in that ketchup story! 

Meowth chokes Ilex until she passes out. When Ilex comes to, she's back in her house in her own bed.

Ilex: Man, what a crazy dream.

Ilex then notices a Poke ball sitting on the table next to her bed.  Ilex picks it up and smiles when she realizes that it came from Professor Oak's lab.

Ilex: Awww, he didn't have to get me a birthday present.

Intrigued, Ilex gets out of bed and tosses the Poke ball. A bright flash of light appears to reveal the Pokemon within.

Muk: Mu-u-u-u-u-u-k!!!!

Ilex: [Gasps] Oh no! 

Ilex tries to flee from Muk's embrace, but stumbles and falls down the stairs. Muk lands on top of her. Tracey, who has been watching the entire scene, smiles in satisfaction.

Tracey: And that's for "Tracey's Diary"!  Happy birthday, Ilex!

THE END


End file.
